Anchorman

Rhetorical Devices Analyses

Andrew, Kelsey Hughes, Dylan, Tariq, Brianna

__**Act 1 – Anchorman: The Fable of Ron Macburgundy**__


 * Scene 1**

//Enter three Secretaries//

Secretary 1: Hey, have you seen Ron MacBurgundy recently? He’s looking as shagtastic as can be! Secretary 2: No, I haven’t seen him around, Lately, he’s nowhere to be found! Secretary 3: Let’s meet back here at three; he’s sure to come round. Secretary 2: I wouldn’t mind manning his anchor. Secretary 1: Whoever his mom was, we should thank her! All: Wealth is love and love is wealth, Back to our desks with the greatest of stealth!

//Exit three Secretaries//


 * Scene 2**

//Enter Duncan Doenaught, Wes Malcolmtooth, and unnamed messenger//

Duncan: (holding a coffee mug) You! Lowly page! What’s that you’re holding there? Messenger: (shuffling around frantically) Sir! I have here the ratings from last fall! Duncan: Well, boy? Spit it out, what are the results? Messenger: With a dominant lead, Ron Macburgundy has come out on top. Channel 7 news fought as hard as they could; they were nominated for many awards, but Macburgundy swept the categories at the Newsies, winning many sought after titles such as ‘Best Sign-off’, ‘Most Accurate Reports’, and unsurprisingly ‘Best Moustache’. Brandishing his eye-catching headlines and handsome manliness, he trampled the opposition to lead the number one news team on the station. Duncan: Oh, well a pat on the back for him! Give him a spot on job for the network. Give him that 6 o’clock spot that opened up after the Newsman Rumble last week - and bring his news team, too!

//Exit all//


 * Scene 3**

//Enter Ron MacBurgundy, Branquo Fantana, and three secretaries//

//Three Secretaries are gathered around fax machine, giggling and whispering to each other, Ron and Branquo walk around the corner//

Secretary 3: …so then I said to her, “Honey, eitha you give me those files, or we’se ‘bout to have some kinda problem on our hands.” And she says to me, she said, “look, back off old lady”. And I ain’t ‘bout to let no five hundr’d pound woman all up in my biz-ness. So I’m gonna cruise on over to row six where her husband be residin’ and I’mma turn mah flirt on, and den we gonna see who da old lady is. Secretary 2: Oh yeah for sure. Speaking of flirting, I overheard that Ron Macburgundy got the six o’clock spot, and he may even take over the lead anchor position for the national network and I’m gonna be the first to tell him!

//Girls giggle and argue over who will tell him. In the background Ron, attempting to be suave, stumbles through the door, knocking over a pile of papers, and loudly blames someone else who is not in the room. Branquo follows behind.//

Secretary 1: Shhh there he is! Secretary 3: //(whispered)// His hair is looking groo-vy today! Ron: I’ve never had this much love and wealth before! Oh wait, yes I have, I’m rich and rugged! Branquo: Hey Ron, look at those ugly broads! //(To secretaries)// You’d be hot if you weren’t so ugly. All: //(Ignoring him)// Hey, Ron! Ron: How’s it hanging, ladies? //All three laugh and fawn over him// Secretary 3: Well hey there, Mr. 6 o’ clock news! Ron: Well what’s that now, toots? Secretary 2: How’s it going Mr. lead-anchor-on-the-top-news-station-in-the-country!? //(more giggling)// Ron: Well Great Odin’s Raven! I mean I know I’m the bee’s succulent knees, but number one? Branquo: What no love for the great Branquo Fantana, number one field reporter …on the team! Secretary 2: We’ll you’re not as suave as him, but I’m sure you’ll do fine. //(obviously sarcastic)// Secretary 1: //(making this up as she goes along)// Yeah I even heard that… uh… your…sons… yeah, your sons! … Umm they’ll grow up to be so handsome that they’ll… take over the network! //(The three laugh hysterically but neither Branquo nor Ron are intelligent enough to pick up on the sarcasm.)// Ron: Now just wait one spicy minute! Six o’clock spot? Lead Anchor? Branquo’s rearing children? You’ve explained nothing! As the handsomest man in the room I command you to explain yourselves! //(Secretaries scurry out, still roaring with laughter. Ron and Branquo are left, awkwardly attempting to absorb what just happened)// Branquo: …So, lead anchor, huh? Ron: I’m still handsomer than you. //(Ron then conveniently receives a fax from the machine right next to him, which he picks up and reads.)// Ron: //(obviously embellishing)// “Dear most ridiculously attractive man alive… ever, Ron MacBurgundy. You have been promoted because of your extremely good looks and abundance of talent to the newly available six o’clock slot. Congratulations- Duncan Doenaught. p.s. you rock.” Branquo: Wait a second. Those lesser persons were right! Ron: //(talking to himself very loudly, Branquo has quite suddenly zoned out)//. By the Beard of Zeus! That rumor came true! That can only mean that the other is true as well. This can’t be bad! But wait, Duncans still in his prime, I have no chance of him quitting. I must have to take matters into my own hands. I will have to destroy Duncan… the thought makes my perfectly coiffed hair stand on end, and that’s never good. I really should go out and buy some more hair gel. Oh and maybe a new comb. A little one, for my moustache. And scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch, in my tummy. La la la la la… Oh! //(Branquo comes to)// Branquo: Heavy stuff. We’ll talk later, ok? Ron: Good day, kind sir.

//(exit all)//


 * Scene 4**

//Enter Duncan, Malcom, & news staff//

Duncan: Ah, I think its safe to say the Channel 4 team deserves some sort of praise. Malcolm: Fair enough. Macburgundy knows nothing but, nifty news. He's put in his time Dunc. Duncan: Agreed my man. That's why I lined up a nice little raise for our fellow anchor. It's about time he start playing with the big boys.

//Enter Macburgundy & Branquo//

Duncan: Good afternoon number one, hair as radiant as the sun. Congrats on the win champ. I always knew you'd be a force to wreckon with. Macburgundy: Oh Duncan, thankyou. Obviously it was a team effort too. (whispers) Then again you can't spell team without "M"-"E"..BUT I digress. Watching a great anchor over at World News helps a tad too Duncan: //(laughs)// Same old Ron! I think it's fair to say that check will be a little heavier this month. You deserve it. Branquo: Yeah, there it is! I told ya it was coming Ron. Duncan: It's a beautiful sight isn't it? Now I just need to coach young Malcolm up. He's out of this world really; a young Duncan Doenaught in the running. I figure I'll give him the post as head anchor when its all said and done. Malcolm can fill my seat. Isn't that right son?! Macburgundy:Oh..err I'm sure he'll do great. I think that's Lady Veronica calling though. I really should get going..The Electric Company's on. Duncan: Aha bye Ron, you take care now. Macburgundy: //(aside)// Head of World News! Malarcky! I have to dethrone him before his glutes ever reach the warm seat on that set. Rage does kindle in my eye, cameras will surely fly. And when the grass is cut, the snakes will show. So I will slither, no anchorman shall know.

//Exit//


 * Scene 5**

//Lady Veronica enters, reading a fax she has just received.// LADY VERONICA: “I ran into a group of secretaries the day Doenaught gave me a promotion. While I steamed in confusion as to what they meant and tried to question them, they ran off. The news caught on quick and everyone heard about it, congratulating me. Can you believe those secretaries think I can get in Duncan’s place? Anyways, if I can do that, you can help me.” (She looks up from the letter) You’re an idiot, but I know you can get that position, just not by yourself. You’re too kind to have the guts to just go out and steal it from him. You want to actually be a good person, you don’t like to cheat, but you want things that others have. Hurry up and get here, everyone wants you to grab that position. //A co-worker enters.// What’s up? CO-WORKER: Oh my god, Duncan’s coming here tonight. LADY VERONICA: Woah, Ron would have warned me! He’s with Duncan right now.

CO-WORKER: He just sent the fax. It’s all set in stone. LADY VERONICA: Crap...

//The co-worker exits.// Ugh… She was so surprised at hearing about the doomed arrival of Duncan to our news station. I need some good spirits to make me care less about destroying this man’s life... Oh, help me, Katie Couric, I can do this! There is no sight a camera will see that’ll alert anyone of this idea! //Ron MacBurgundy enters.// RON: What is this about Katie Couric, some alcohol, and you? LADY VERONICA: Oh, I got your letter. I think you can take him. RON: Well, he’s coming here tonight… LADY VERONICA: When’s he gonna leave? RON: Probably sometime tomorrow, since he won’t have a double D to drive him home. LADY VERONICA: Oh, he’s going to hate the morning, then. Look, Ron, the way you look… Well, I can just tell what you’re thinking. You gotta make sure you look the way they want you too, or else you won’t get that position from Duncan. Greet him with a kind smile, nod, and pat on the back. Just look innocent. Let me handle the planning, alright? RON: Can we just talk about this later or something? LADY VERONICA: Yeah, just don’t be so freaked out. I got the rest covered.

//They exit.//


 * Scene 6**

Duncan: O, here it is, the storied Channel Four station. To the elevator fellas. Banquo: Hmm, these cats clean up nice. I'm diggin' the shag carpeted elevator; soft as a Bee Gees' falsetto.. Go-For: Mh-hmm and is that fondue I smell?!

//(Enter Lady Veronica)//

Duncan: There she is! That foxy lady we all have heard so much about. How are you Lady Veronica? Veronica: Duncan you are too much! Welcome to our digs. Please do make yourselves at home. Banquo //(aside)//: Look they have Connect Four and a Lite Brite! Duncan: Right on. Your love knows no ends Veronica. We should visit more often. I have to ask though- where's the man of the hour?! My man fifty grande, Macburgundy?! Veronica: Thankyou, I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. Ron's in his office tying up some last minute things. I'll- Duncan: Well let's go see the rascal! I must congratulate him on the win. Show love where love is do I say.

//(Exit)//


 * Scene 7**

//Speakers play music. Servers walk around the room passing out samples of foods. Enter Ron.// RON: If I could be finished with this mess when I did it, then I hope it gets over with soon. If this was easy and faultless I could stop worrying about the consequences if I were caught. But, if this scandal is heard of, I won’t ever be on TV again. The man I want to steal his position from likes me, too! First of all, he’s a nice guy, and second, I’m part of the station hosting our party here, so I should be celebrating with him, not trying to find out how to get his position! If I do this, all the news teams will know about it! They love the guy! I am only acting on ambition. People that do this only lead themselves to disaster. //Lady Veronica enters.// Hey! What’s up? LADY VERONICA: We’re about to have dinner, why’d you leave? RON: Is he wondering where I am or something? LADY VERONICA: What, you don’t know he wants you around? RON: Look, I can’t go on with his. The man gave me a promotion and we’ve gained a lot more viewers. I want to enjoy this for a while instead of mess it all up and get myself fired. LADY VERONICA: What, were you drunk when you liked the idea? Did you fall asleep and wake up sick at the thought of this? At least now I know about your love. What, are you afraid to act for what you desire? Will you just do this and take the damn promotion you’ll get, or will you just sit there like a coward, always saying “I can’t” after you just said you want it! RON: Oh god, just stop! I’m just trying to deal with what I have to! If I do anymore, I might mess things up for myself. LADY VERONICA: If you’re not yourself, then who told me they wanted to do this in the first place? You were yourself when you dared to do it. If you take one step further and just get it over with, you’ll be more of a man than you already are, Ron. The timing wasn’t right before, but it sure is now. I’m a woman and I’m good with my baby, my camera. But I would have smashed it to the ground if I promised, just as you promised to get that promotion from him. RON: But if we mess up- LADY VERONICA: Us, fail? If you get a backbone we can’t fail! Look, I’ll get him drunk, you get the camera, and we record as he embarrasses himself. He’ll be so drunk that he won’t remember a thing and won’t be able to defend himself from the lurid acts he commits. We throw that on the news and he’s screwed; job’s yours. RON: God, I hope you don’t have any girls… LADY VERONICA: Why? RON: Oh, nothing… Alright, so we blame him and get me a job. Are you sure this is going to work? LADY VERONICA: How won’t it? We’ll be acting depressed when he’s forced to leave. RON: Alright, I’m set. Go put on a good face and a nice show. Don’t let anyone in on what you know.